August 1998 ........................ [load original version ]

… Another sunrise hit the sky, new hope is born…

“Damn it!” Alex excitedly hailed as he woke up from a bad dream.

“God damn, I’m too young to die.” He outreached his hand and got himself a bottle of unregistered pills that were lying on the cabinet next to the bed. He took one. Saturday was once again waiting for him. He got up and lighted up a cigarette. He approached his bedroom window and watched the outside world killing it’s own aberration, or at least hoping to. Alex did not expect much out of this Saturday. For him, it was just one in a sequence.

He thought about the nightmare that wasn’t such a rare phenomenon lately. This made him worry, since he was somewhat superstitious. Illusions were his weakness; they were hunting him even when he didn’t want them to. Still, they were never reappearing so often before, as they do now, and he didn’t know why is it happening.

Minutes, so important, were passing by and away, without him being aware of that. As a mater of fact, he was completely indifferent about it. Such ordinary day meant nothing to a man like him. He was bothered by other problems. He felt gilt of conscience for some past events that happened so long ago he hardly remembers them anymore. He was thinking about those three guys from a dream: Christian, Michael, and Klaus. He couldn’t figure out why he remembered them, long lost friends, who once occupied an important place in his life, but then they simply spit him away like trash.

Wistful, with blank expression, he stood by a window, without noticing his Lucky Strike half burned.

“Such morons!” he commented two guys who were trying to break the lock on the old Yugo in the alley.

Sometimes it seemed like he would stay by that same window whole day long. Then again, even a simple mind like his couldn’t hold that option forever. He jumped in some casual clothes and went out for a breakfast…

As he was returning from a nearby restaurant, he passed by some neighbors and people he apparently knew. He walked the streets as they were greeting him, but he never greeted them back. They all seemed worthless and irrelevant at a time. Alex was in a stage of another day dream illusion. With blurred mind, he thought about her again. He thought about her beautiful angel face as it shone under the street lights at night; about her soft hands as they were carefully touching him and then aggressively permeated through his hair while they were making love.             

Yes, he thought about her, Nikita, a woman of his dreams that disappeared along with her and then came back as a nightmare. Alex’ face revealed a tear, salty little tear of pain that slang down his cheek and ended up somewhere far behind. Emotions and illusions was all that is left of her, but he still couldn’t let her go. He can’t accept this guilt, since this would be the end for him. Then there would be no more Alex the Great, a cool and vicious jack who picks up a random girl just by the time you snap your fingers. Just like that. Then again, illusions broke him, and a tear is just a proof of that.

He felt something more than sex for Nikita, even more than love. She became a part of him. She was the only person who cared about him, yet now she has disappeared from his life because she wanted to run away from her turbulent past.

“Why can’t she just leave me alone?“ Alex asked himself as he was passing by some stranger girl who adorably reminded him of Nikita. She was lost in this big city and she couldn’t find a way to her destination. She held a big map in her hands and acted all confused.

For a moment there, Alex decided to dedicate himself to reality and forget the past. He crossed the street to where she stood, alone and unknown. She did not see him at first. He coughed to get her attention.

“Excuse me, do you need some help there?” Alex offered his gentlemen service and smoothly switched to his player mode. At first she checked him out, from head to toes, then she put up a mild, exotic smile.

“Do you know any place where we could have a lunch, maybe… together? Um…” She surprised him with this question. He remembered Nikita, whom she met the similar way. Was she playing him? Well, it didn’t really matter to Alex. Lost in a moment, he thought she was expecting him. Maybe, but…

After a pause, he replied.

“Alex is the name. Now that you have mentioned it, it’s my honor to say that I am an excellent cook. Shall we?” with a slight case of overconfidence, he took the girl back to his place. Her name was Nadia and she has just arrived here from Bulgaria. They did just fine in English. Except for few comical moments during introduction, everything went smooth. Alex disappointed her with his Vienna cutlets, but that wasn’t a reason for them not to spend the rest of the day together.

With such interesting company, night came too fast. Human instinct could not be held tied anymore. They already knew each other enough to call themselves just “acquaintances.” Some things, on the other hand, could not be described by words. One of those is Alex’ wild impulse that was slowly coming to expression. His internal spleen usually found a way to get out of control and make everyone around feel miserable. This time, it took him a while, since he learned to control it over time, but he couldn’t stand expectations. That was his weak issue. Well, one of them.

The vine was already gone, yet water is not particularly romantic in this time of a season. Due to a lack of inspiration, Alex made a next step. With lust emotions, he grabbed Nadia and kissed her arrogantly. She didn’t refuse him. She didn’t have any reason to. Alex was a real man for her, and she was what he desperately needed. Illusions disappeared completely and released them to their own wisdom. Once beloved Nikita was now gone from Alex’ mind, yet like she has never been loved. She was dismissed for a stranger with a one-shot need. The significance was lost on the border, in between the logic and the passion, in a place where things usually don’t end up the way they should.